Confrontation
This blog entry is a confrontation to myself... and also an entry to bid goodbye to my own past and gain control of myself.
I guess only a few of my friends know
how fragile i am deep down...
how lack of confidence i am...
how i fear relationships/marriage
how often i do things so that i can protect myself
how hard i'm struggling
and i'm not all that positive as i appear to be
over this period of time after i started working.. i've grown.. but the most significant for period was my time with Atos.. cos it's a harsher environment as compared to Singtel... more individualistic and also.. i've attended courses that enriched and widen my scope and thinking.. thank god that i have a 慧根 which enables me to learn n see things from many perspective and of cos the people around me helped me to grow as well...
I've been trying to push myself to limits that i've never explored before... face things that i know that i fear or is resistant to... However, deep down there's still a part of me, an old self which still hide in a dark corner of me, hindering my own progress as well. Thus, this entry is to dig it out, smash it and i will bid goodbye to it forever.
I may appear confident, but i need security more than anyone else... n my sense of security comes from others. Which means i'm very reliant on others to provide my sense of security.
The cause of it came from the rocky period of my parent's marriage. I blamed myself for what happened. I detest my own existence... i wished that i never came into the family... i imagined how happier they'll be without me n the terrible things will not happen. Hence i try to make my existence outstanding so that i do not blend into the background, which is once again, seeking assurance from others....
My lack of faith in love, relationships is strongly clouded by my parents... n also my own sister's marriage. Basically killed every bit of confidence i have in a relationship... n thus the lack of confidence will shadow my behavior/actions/thoughts every now and den like a plague, which damaged everything that was painstakingly built up.
I always sought the approach to run away instead of facing...
But things r not all bad cos it served as a form of motivation for me to excel better than my sisters... muahaha :P but looking back at things.. i might just be the factor pulling the family together :D
If a day ever comes that my own relationship is not able to work out i will not regret it, cos i've tried and it's the process that matters, not the ending.
Even if one day i'm alone on this world, i'll still be brave everything and take everything to my stride.
i don't need to feed on wad other's say about me to feel good about myself.
I will love myself and truly have control of myself and stand on my own feet... i know i can't do that overnight... but i'm confident that it'll be in the near future.
Time to put the nonsense to a stop once n for all!!! Our actions determine how 'lucky' we are. So it's time to play the game right!
just a side track.. i really need to get my leg recovered so that i can resume my gym regime!!! grr.... n i sent my phone for servicing so i have NO contacts.. not a single number in the phonebook... >.<"
I guess only a few of my friends know
how fragile i am deep down...
how lack of confidence i am...
how i fear relationships/marriage
how often i do things so that i can protect myself
how hard i'm struggling
and i'm not all that positive as i appear to be
over this period of time after i started working.. i've grown.. but the most significant for period was my time with Atos.. cos it's a harsher environment as compared to Singtel... more individualistic and also.. i've attended courses that enriched and widen my scope and thinking.. thank god that i have a 慧根 which enables me to learn n see things from many perspective and of cos the people around me helped me to grow as well...
I've been trying to push myself to limits that i've never explored before... face things that i know that i fear or is resistant to... However, deep down there's still a part of me, an old self which still hide in a dark corner of me, hindering my own progress as well. Thus, this entry is to dig it out, smash it and i will bid goodbye to it forever.
I may appear confident, but i need security more than anyone else... n my sense of security comes from others. Which means i'm very reliant on others to provide my sense of security.
The cause of it came from the rocky period of my parent's marriage. I blamed myself for what happened. I detest my own existence... i wished that i never came into the family... i imagined how happier they'll be without me n the terrible things will not happen. Hence i try to make my existence outstanding so that i do not blend into the background, which is once again, seeking assurance from others....
My lack of faith in love, relationships is strongly clouded by my parents... n also my own sister's marriage. Basically killed every bit of confidence i have in a relationship... n thus the lack of confidence will shadow my behavior/actions/thoughts every now and den like a plague, which damaged everything that was painstakingly built up.
I always sought the approach to run away instead of facing...
But things r not all bad cos it served as a form of motivation for me to excel better than my sisters... muahaha :P but looking back at things.. i might just be the factor pulling the family together :D
If a day ever comes that my own relationship is not able to work out i will not regret it, cos i've tried and it's the process that matters, not the ending.
Even if one day i'm alone on this world, i'll still be brave everything and take everything to my stride.
i don't need to feed on wad other's say about me to feel good about myself.
I will love myself and truly have control of myself and stand on my own feet... i know i can't do that overnight... but i'm confident that it'll be in the near future.
Time to put the nonsense to a stop once n for all!!! Our actions determine how 'lucky' we are. So it's time to play the game right!
just a side track.. i really need to get my leg recovered so that i can resume my gym regime!!! grr.... n i sent my phone for servicing so i have NO contacts.. not a single number in the phonebook... >.<"
